Tinder. Basically the more polite version of Grindr, and with no sudden flashes of unwanted penis. It’s a pic’n’mix of potential suitors and it’s got us hooked. After playing with the app (what do you mean love isn’t a game?) for quite some time now, we’ve discovered that each person that pops up, can be slotted into only a handful of categories. Categories that you should avoid. At all costs.

The Group Shot

The first thing you see of your new future husband is a picture. Just one single picture. So why have a profile snap that features seven of your best friends with you? We can’t tell which one is you. We scroll through the collection of your other photographs to work out which one you are. After trawling through your group outing to Lanzarote in 2009, and a nostalgic treat showing your last day at secondary school with all your mates, we reach the final photo and finally discover who you are. It’s always the ugly one you didn’t want it to be. Never the fit one on the right.

The Random Female

You’ve selected your settings as wanting men only. Kayleigh, 23 appears. She’s only eight kilometres away. If you squint she looks like Ryan Gosling in Drive. Potential.

The Friend

You’re doing a quick flick through. Somebody you actually know, and have met (well follow on Twitter) pops up. You panic. Part of you wants to swipe right even though you don’t find them attractive, just to see if they have a secret crush on you. Intrigue takes over. It’s a match! Now they think you fancy them. Next thing you know you’re snogging them in Friendly Society after four glasses of wine. You can never socialise with them again.

The Mutual Non-Appreciation

This one has 12 mutual Facebook friends. You don’t really like any of them. One is your ex. You practically hurl your phone to the left.

The One That Got Away

The first picture is super hot. He’s got a great fringe. Something distracts you on This Morning. You think you’re swiping to view more pictures but accidentally send him hurtling left into the deep abyss of rejection. There’s no way to get him back. He was perfect for you, and he’ll never even know you cared. You cry solidly for 20 minutes.

The Match Strike One

You both gave each other the seal of ‘attraction approval’. Neither of you start a conversation. What the fuck was the point with that one?

The Match Strike Two

You both gave each other the seal of ‘attraction approval’. You start a conversation. After the basics he tells you he’s feeling horny. Sigh.

Duncan James from Blue

Yeah, so, he didn’t like us back.

Tinder - Duncan James (Photo by James Moore)

  *Re-downloads Grindr*

About The Author

JM is a 25-year-old Essex turned London boy. Will do anything for Percy Pigs.