So So Gay
With the gaze of the world on London in general, the gays of the world focus on the competitors. What is it about most female Olympic athletes that have us lesbians hot under our checked shirt collars? It isn’t rocket science. They’re determined, strong and disciplined… and, in most cases, clad in next to nothing. With lots of sports, and even more athletes, it’s pretty tough for spectators to make the most of the games. For your ease and enjoyment, Roisin Morrison has scrutinised many of the women (you’re welcome) and compiled our top ten. Here you go…
Pass us the ball Kim!
10. In at the tail end of the countdown is American volleyball player Kim Glass. After trying out for America’s Next Top Model five times, 6 foot 3 Kim Glass decided to turn to sport. Tyra Banks’s loss, however, is our gain, and Glass proved extremely successful. She has competed in junior and major international competitions, and helped her team to a silver medal in Beijing.
Pros: We’ll repeat, she’s 6 ft. 3 inches tall.
Cons: Thinking again, that height difference might make a couple of things logistically difficult…
This photo is 100% natural.
9. Next up at 9 is Sophie Polkamp, a Dutch field hockey player. She’s played for a number of clubs, competing in the national team since 2005. Let’s just say she knows what she’s doing. She seems to get fairly aggressive in matches too, which could be a problem. If only she had something (or someone) to help relieve that after-match tension…
Pros: If you can look good in an orange mini skirt, you can look good in anything.
Cons: Wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of one of her hockey stick swings.
That’s not how you ride a bike Victoria…
8. The first Team GB member to make it into the chart: cyclist Victoria Pendleton. She’s been cycling forever, due to her father’s enthusiasm, but says that she’d have retired from the sport if the Olympics hadn’t been allocated to London. Thank goodness for that; she’s extremely easy on the eye (if you don’t believe us, check out her near-naked FHM shoot). She’s the proud owner of an MBE, and is the current world and Olympic sprint champion.
Pros: Strong thighs. That’s all we’re saying.
Cons: She’s retiring soon. That makes her sound considerably older than she is.
Because she’s worth it.
7. Blair Evans, the 21-year-old Australian swimmer is at number 7. She’s had a fair amount of setbacks in her Olympic journey, initially thinking she hadn’t made the team, but has managed a silver medal already at London 2012. She says she loves going to the beach and playing with her dogs. We reckon we could definitely handle long walks on the beach if she needs someone to accompany her.
Pros: That smile.
Cons: Her boyfriend is swimmer Ryan Lochte, and they’re inseparable, apparently. Shame.
Catch her if you can.
6. At number 7 is British BMX rider Shanaze Reade. Her career began in 2002 after starting cycling at 10, and at 17 she was considered Britain’s best female rider. Shanaze was the favourite to win gold at the Beijing Olympics, but crashed out of the final and failed to finish the race. Though she proved unsuccessful, Reade’s determination endeared her to the public and earned her an army of fans. If you get the chance to watch her race, do it: she’s indisputably one of the coolest athletes in the Team GB squad.
Pros: Her feline features and steely determination.
Cons: Other than on the Holiday Inn advert, Shanaze isn’t an easy athlete to catch sight of.
YOLO LOLO.
5. American runner Lolo Jones is number 6. She’s had a dazzling career, stretching from her adolescence, where she refused to move house with her family to a city without a track. Instead, her coach organised host families for her to stay with. Her dedication paid off, and now she’s been competing professionally since 2004. She’s a good little giver too (pun intended) with charity donations to her old high school and various other causes. All in all, a great girl. Did we mention the fact that she’s beautiful?
Pros: Extreme generosity and dedication.
Cons: Can you imagine telling people your girlfriend’s name is Lolo? It’s a bit silly.
You need sunglasses for that all-American smile.
with her shocking blonde quiff, and she plays some seriously nifty football (even if she does call it soccer, bless). She has a great sense of humour, and her goal celebrations are some of the best in the world: anybody who grabs a microphone after a goal and bellows ‘Born in the USA’ is good enough for us. And she has dimples.
Pros: She’s a twin, so even if she rejects you, there’s a plan B.
Cons: She’s in a long-term relationship with footballer Sarah Walsh.
There’s always time for some stick posing.
3. In third place is the Australian field hockey player Casey Eastham. She’s been playing for her country since the impressive age of 17, and was considered the one of the best under-21 players in world prior to that. She’s a key player, with over 100 international matches under her belt, and helped her team to gold in the 2010 Delhi Commonwealth Games. When asked about her post-hockey ambitions, she mentioned that she wanted to have a family and social life. She knows where we are when she’s ready.
Pros: Great accent.
Cons: Extremely dedicated. She has hardly any spare time after games and training.
Not to be confused with Hans Solo.
2. Just pipped at the post at a very respectable number 2 is American goalkeeper Hope Solo. She’s played for the USA national football team since 2000, and got through to the semi-finals in the American version of Strictly Come Dancing. So she’s multi-talented. Oh, and you probably shouldn’t miss her nude photo shoot for ESPN. She recently got into a spot of bother when she tested positive in a doping test, but it turned out to be a side-effect of her medication, thank the Lord. We were lucky enough to see Solo and her team in their match against the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, and the woman oozes sexiness. She’s tall, at 5’ 9, but she’s in full control of her toned limbs, and you’d be hard pressed to put a ball past her. She’s managed to get to the semi-finals with a consecutive three-match clean sheet.
Pros: She’s sexy, even in that nasty pea green kit.
Cons: She’s technically a threat to Team GB’s football girls… so we suppose we can just be friends.
A modern day Olympian God.
1. And finally, the number one spot: of course, it was only ever going to be Team GB’s own Jessica Ennis. If you need an introduction to this woman, you’ve been on another planet for the past few years. Jessica Ennis is everywhere, and this is not a bad thing. She’s an incredible athlete, breaking world records and hopefully bringing in the medals for team GB, but despite her success, she’s remained the ‘girl-next-door’ from Sheffield. She’s so, well, nice. Her body is fantastic, she’s got unbelievable drive and passion, but the smile when she finishes the line? She had to be number 1. Her sport is the heptathlon, for which she has to hurdle, jump a few times, throw, run twice, and throw again. We don’t know the ins and outs, but we’ll be watching, don’t you worry.
Pros: Smile, stomach, legs, face, personality.
Cons: None. we don’t even want to find one.
Do you agree with our countdown of the female Olympic totty? Or did we miss out your favourite? Tweet us at @SoSoGay and let us know!
Article by Roisin Morrison.
